The Lusty Argonian Maid
by M'aiq the Liar
Summary: M'aiq presents The Lusty Argonian Maid. The Khajiit writes in the previous parts to that provocative and cheesy, yet surprisingly popular, love play found in shady bookshelves throughout Cyrodiil. Originally written by Crassius Curio.


M'aiq and other associated Elder Scrolls properties are under the Elder Scrolls (Bethesda) license; I'm just borrowing.

M'aiq decided to fill in those missing pieces of The Lusty Argonian Maid, a book commonly found around those women in Oblivion with questionable loyalties. M'aiq hopes the prey will find the play's cheesy lines humorous, as that was the original writer's intention. Now, this old Khajiit will say no more.

**M'aiq the Liar presents ****The Lusty Argonian Maid**

_**Act 1**_

_Scene 1_

**Arvela Sestius**: Lifts-Her-Tail! Where are you?

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: I am here, master.

**Arvela Sestius**: Take my clothes now. I want them clean by tonight. I'll be having a wonderful time at dinner with the count.

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Yes, master. I am just a simple Argonian maid. I'll never get to enjoy nice meals with decent men.

**Arvela Sestius**: Of course you won't! Now get my clothes clean! Hurry!

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Yes, yes, right away!

_Arvela exits_.

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Well, I guess I should bend down and pick all these clothes up off the ground now.

_Crantius Colto enters_.

**Crantius Colto**: By Azura, by Azura, by Azura!

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Oh! Master Crantius, you surprised me!

**Crantius Colto**: Did I really?

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Yes, you did.

**Crantius Colto**: What are you doing, young lass?

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: I am taking out the master's laundry.

**Crantius Colto**: Well, if you come by my chambers, I might have some dirty laundry for you.

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Why sir, there won't be enough time for all that laundry!

**Crantius Colto**: Oh, we could make time, I'm sure.

_End scene_.

_Scene 2_

**Arvela Sestius**: Lifts-Her-Tail! These clothes are all too small!

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: I'm sorry, master. Perhaps it's not the clothes that are too small but the body too big.

**Arvela Sestius**: That's preposterous! Now, get on, you wench, and fix this problem!

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: I cannot fix the size of your girth, ma'am!

**Arvela Sestius**: You're making me angry! I can't get flustered before the party. It would not make a good impression on the count.

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Yes, master, of course. Why is it so important that you impress the count anyway?

**Arvela Sestius**: Are you that naïve, Argonian?

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: I do not know much. I am but a simple maid, master.

**Arvela Sestius**: Perhaps if he sees me dressed up so lovely, he'll fall madly in love!

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Love, master?

**Arvela Sestius**: Of course! He would be the perfect man for someone like me! He's rich, handsome, powerful…everything a girl could want!

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Well, an admirable Argonian man is one who can pick many locks. Does this count pick locks?

**Arvela Sestius**: No! That would be silly.

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Some Argonian men are good swimmers. How long can the count hold his breath underwater?

**Arvela Sestius**: I don't know! Enough questions already, Argonian. I need help getting into this dress!

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Oh dear. We may need some troll fat to squeeze you out of that one later…

_End scene_.

_Scene 3_

**Crantius Colto**: I see Arvela is off to dinner with the count and the other nobles.

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Yes, she is.

**Crantius Colto**: That just leaves the two of us…all alone.

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Whatever do you mean, sir?

**Crantius Colto**: Maybe we should get to know each other a little better.

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Well, master, I do know many things about you as it is.

**Crantius Colto**: Ah, but you see, there is so much I do not know about you, Lifts-Her-Tail. Even that, for example! Wherever did you get such a beautiful name?

**Lifts-Her-Tail**: Well, uh, there is much to do before Master Arvela returns!

_Lifts-Her-Tail exits_.

**Crantius Colto**: Wait, Lift's-Her-Tail! You're right. There _is_ much to do before she returns! Come back!

_Crantius Colto exits_.

_End scene_.


End file.
